What Really Matters

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Today’s post is from a guest blogger, who recently lost her job as a result of corporate budgetary cuts.  She reached out to me to let me know that my work had been a help to her over the years, and she attached a letter to share her feelings about her recent events.  I was so touched by what she wrote, I asked her if I could share.  I hope you also enjoy Angela’s thoughts and perspective.  I find her peace during a challenging professional time to be very refreshing.  Please leave her a comment of encouragement too!!

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A few of the responses I’ve received from coworkers after hearing the news of my recent job layoff were:

“When I heard the news it caused me to feel sick to my stomach.”

or “I had a pit in my stomach when someone told me”.

Although I would like to believe that my leaving would put the company in such a dire situation that everyone would suddenly become violently ill, knowing the business could not survive after I left, this is certainly not the case.  I recognize that when it comes to corporate life we are all – replaceable.

Aside from sharing in my pain, a reminder of this reality may have been a reason their stomachs were turning.  We worked together, we related, we worked hard, we put our “blood sweat and tears” into projects to meet the needs of clients; we did everything we could to help make the company successful and after all that—a business decision for a job elimination still had to be made.  This news to many who heard it was not just of a colleague leaving.  It was a symbol for what everyone knows in their heart of hearts.

It signaled not just another person being “let go” to meet financial objectives, but it placed a spotlight onto the unsaid fact that we all know, but do not discuss– our jobs are all replaceable.  As people, however, we are not and that is what counts.

This is not about corporations doing wrong to employees.  I am grateful for every ounce of experience gained, people met and the generosity shown to me through the job elimination process.  I understand companies have to make tough choices, and I am excited about the opportunity to open a new chapter in my career.  This is about knowing that your job does not define “you” and “who” you are has little to do with what you “do” for a living.

The years it has taken for me to figure this out have been long and tumultuous.  When being introduced to someone I would often try to find an opportunity to let them know not only the company name I worked for, but also my specific title.  If they would bait me with additional time to listen, I’m sure I would have provided them with a CliffsNotes version of my accomplishments.  Looking back, I am thankful no one was following me around with a video camera, albeit “The Young and Full of Themselves” might have a nice ring to it as a reality show.  Well, maybe the television market is rather saturated with those right now.

I believe, like many people, good often comes from bad.  The day I found out my job had been eliminated was also the day I discovered how blessed I really am.  My mom left work early to come to support me, a neighbor almost beat down the door to check on me, my family, friends, classmates, colleagues and church members all reached out with encouragement and support.  One simple post on Facebook and even a high school classmate I hadn’t seen in twenty years sent me three jobs to consider by the next day.

These are not people who know much or even care about my professional status or accomplishments.  These are people who know me as a person; the wife, mother, sister, friend, classmate, neighbor and colleague who really cares about them. The one who has been there to try to help them connect with people when they needed jobs, listened to their struggles, shared their pain, celebrated their joy, served them by saying “yes” to helping when they needed something even when it wasn’t convenient, and above all else cared about them and their families.  Now they were caring about me and it was humbling to be a recipient of their kindness.  Even more, it was life changing to know they were not responding, because of my title, company name or in reciprocity of a business transaction.  They were reaching out because they cared enough to help me as a person.

I know our jobs are replaceable, but I also know our relationships with people are not.  Taking time to get to know people, care about them and help others as much as we can each day helps make our lives fulfilling.  I am thankful this experience has given me the opportunity to be reminded that it is not what you do for your profession that defines you as a person.  It is who you are to the people in your life that is important.

For me, this is built on a foundation of strong spiritual faith and fueled by the relationships I have with the people I am blessed enough to have around me—and today more than ever, I know that is what really matters.

Leaders – Starting Them Young

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I had a great discussion with a client today about some of the wonderful programs and training their firm is doing for junior-level professionals. They’re investing in young minds, not only for the benefit of the company, but also for the personal benefit of their employees. They see value in helping them improve and grow in all aspects of their lives, not just in their careers. It’s a smart move on many of levels.

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I asked if they were also going to include a leadership class as part of the curriculum, mentioning as well that my husband and I talk daily to our elementary school-aged children about leadership.  It’s part of their regular vocabulary, understanding…and motivation.

Sure, they’ve got a long way to go before they’ll have an organizational title of leadership, but we’ve made it clear that they can – and should – lead now.  Every day.  And, our kids understand it. And do it. And are excited by it.

So, if our young children can grasp it, embrace it and run with it, then it would make perfect sense that young professionals could most certainly do so as well.

I submit that companies should immediately and consistently affirm and grow leadership in their young professionals. It will make a difference.

Why? Three major reasons:

Beliefs and attitudes drive behaviors. If people start believing that they can lead; that they can indeed make a difference or have an impact, then they’ll work hard trying to do just that.  They have to understand that it IS possible.  They can lead from who they are.  It’s a choice to be proactive – to see an opportunity to make a difference and to grab onto it and do something with it.  But, it starts first with believing in the value of leadership and second, with the notion that they, themselves, can lead.  Companies should reinforce this belief and encourage every professional to look for leadership opportunities and take action on them.

Start sooner, get results sooner.  By starting young, things that may not be as intuitive can be learned faster, easier and without the challenges of changing long-time bad habits.  Good leadership habits will more quickly become part of their norm and will become easier and more graceful earlier in their careers…and they’ll only continue to improve with time.  An early investment could have profound results today and years down the road.  Instead of beginning to invest in leadership with middle managers, they’ll already be well on their way.  This should be helpful as succession plans are being developed as well.  The up-front commitment will be impactful for years to come.

People change culture.  As young professionals become young leaders, their collective attitudes and actions will shift the culture.  Innovative and visionary thinking, proactive and results-oriented behaviors, and greater engagement and collaboration will become more normative.  Companies need to be mindful, of course, to celebrate, encourage and reinforce these behaviors so they continue to grow, develop and become more contagious.  By fostering and acknowledging these leadership behaviors, the incentives become clear, the norms change and the culture evolves into one of leadership at all levels.

As I listen to my own children, I hear them talk often about being a “leader.”  They’re quick to own that label and to do what’s right, even when the majority may go in a different direction. As a mother, I find comfort in seeing this leadership confidence in them.  As a leadership coach, I know it’s giving them a head start (a very intentional leaning in for my daughter, especially!)

I think back to when I was a young professional.  If I could have owned that leadership label earlier in my career, would I have done anything differently?  I’m certain of it.  I’m also certain my company would have benefitted just as much as I would have.

Three Crucial Ingredients For Leadership Success

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As a leadership coach, speaker and trainer, I have the great opportunity to spend my time immersed in leadership.  I think about it all the time.  I notice leadership everywhere – good and bad.  I engage in discussion about it – at work with clients, on social media with leadership experts, in my community and home with people I care about.  I learn more every day about humanity, inspiration, motivation, vision, fortitude, determination, engagement and more…it’s a constant and passionate process for me.  (I’m so grateful to do this!)

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In my exchanges with people, I often find that they’re looking for the quick solutions, silver bullets and the easiest path to success.  After speaking, people often ask me about “the one thing” I would suggest to them to improve their leadership and help them grow.  The simple answer is: it’s not just one thing, and there’s no single response for everyone.

What I can share, however, are three ingredients that are absolutely necessary for leadership success.  You’ll need to think about how they apply to you, personally – to your career, strengths and skills.

Ingredient #1: An accurate self-awareness.

Do you know your strengths?  Weaknesses?  Do you know how others perceive you (whether intentional on your part or not?)  Do you know when and how to ask for help?  Do you know if people would want to help you?  Do you open doors, bring down walls, draw people in?  Do you inspire people?  Do you bring people together?  Are you creating any kind of legacy?

Can you respond to these questions with clarity, confidence and integrity?  If not, seek out the answers through assessments, interviews, conversations and more.  Then, determine what you need to master…and add the next ingredient…

Ingredient #2: A (passionate) desire to improve and grow.

Certainly celebrate accomplishments, milestones and lessons learned, but never, never, never stop your pursuit of further growth.

Learning is a process, and it shouldn’t expire until you do.

The world changes at a rapid pace these days – new and different people enter your sphere of influence, technology innovations abound, research unveils critical data, and you draw upon life experiences.  All of these create an environment for learning, growth and improvement.  Surround yourself.  Soak it all in.  Desire to be a better leader and leverage these opportunities to become better.  Never stop.  It’s a big world out there, and you’ll never understand it all….but you can try, and you’ll grow as you do!

Ingredient #3: Humility and a desire to help others at least as much as yourself.

Leaders have willing followers.  They care about their followers.  They serve their followers.

Are other people better for having shared experiences, conversations and interactions with you?  Do you consider how you can add value in every exchange?  Do you desire (and celebrate) others’ success as much as your own?  Is the greater good your priority?

If your world revolves around you, that leaves everyone else out there somewhere else in space.  Bring them into your world and figure out how, together, you can make the world a better place for all.

These three ingredients may not be the only keys to success, but I know that you can’t be a great leader without them!!!  Regardless of your position, title or experience, you need these ingredients to excel.

Your own personality adds the extra flavoring to finish off this recipe perfectly!!  Always remember to add that extra spice – it’s what makes your leadership personal and memorable too!

Sorry Sheryl – Leaders Are Not Bossy

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Along with the rest of the world, I’m watching as Sheryl Sandberg receives lots of media attention for the release of her book, Lean In.

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Along with millions of others, I also bought my own copy.  I’m about halfway through it…but I have some really mixed feelings, especially regarding one particular quote she keeps repeating in most interviews I’ve seen.

Sheryl references the fact that she was often referred to as bossy as she grew up, and it’s clear she wishes it had been framed differently for her.  She would have liked for her “bossiness” to have been described as something positive.  She even mentions, “it’s personal.”

Although she makes many excellent points throughout the book, I have to say, this particular point is a bad one.  Plain and simple.

And, I must add, especially as a mother to a young daughter, I want to make this clear….because, frankly, I’m tired of seeing this quote being cheered all over the Internet.

Bossy is not a leadership skill.

Bossiness and leadership do not go together. At all. Bossiness is an old-school, top-down management style that is domineering, perhaps fear-based, and most certainly selfish.

Leadership is the opposite.

Leadership is engaging.  People follow leaders, because they want to, not because they have to.  Leadership is compelling and visionary and inspiring.

Leadership brings out the best in people.  It empowers them, enhances and leverages their strengths, and it challenges them in ways that reward both the company and employee.

Leadership is selfless.  It’s all about the team effort, with credit and accolades flowing accordingly.  It’s about helping others, removing their obstacles, making them more successful, growing other leaders, even grooming them to take over your own role.

Leadership has nothing to do with bossiness and everything to do with service.

As a mother of a daughter, I want her to know this.  Like Sheryl, I don’t want my daughter (or any other little girl) to be told she’s bossy.  The difference is, my approach won’t be to simply change the label.  Instead, I’ll coach my daughter to understand how she could assert herself in other ways, so she could lead instead of boss.

I’ll stress the importance of uniting people for a common and inspiring goal; something that benefits all of them.  I’ll explain that the weakest and most ineffective way to get something done is to force yourself on others.  I’ll point out that willing and passionate engagement makes all the difference.  People make all the difference.  And people who are bossed will never, ever give their best (or achieve great results.)  Their performance will only be the very least they can get away with, so as not to deal with negative ramifications.

I’lll bet Sheryl Sandberg knows this.  I’ll bet she’s learned this lesson, possibly even the hard way.  I just wish she would use her very relevant and powerful voice to explain this more clearly.  Our next generation of young women – and their success – is being heavily influenced by what Sandberg says.  She needs to be careful, and she needs to help these women become leaders, not bosses.  She needs to stop promoting this quote.

I believe in the great potential of women.  I’m certain Sandberg does too.  And, I completely agree with one of her other quotes:

“It’s time to cheer on girls and women who want to sit at the table.”

I just hope they’re not bossy when they get there.

Give More, Succeed More?

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I read an article in the New York Times recently that really resonated.  The story was about a professor at Wharton; Adam Grant, PhD.  He’s the youngest-tenured, highest-rated and a frequently published professor there.  Pretty impressive at only 31 years old.

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What caught my eye (and my heart) was the topic of his latest book and the article I read.  The premise: if you give more, you’ll be more successful.  And, Grant cites his research, so there’s data to support his findings.

In the book, Grant defines three categories of people: takers, matchers or givers.  Takers, of course, are most concerned about themselves and what they get out of any exchange.  Matchers want things to be equalized.  Givers, on the other hand, focus on contributing without any expectation in return.

Because great relationships are so essential, the givers of the world are able to develop stronger, more trusted relationships, and therefore more success.

The theme is very reminiscent of another one of my favorite books, The Go-Giver, by Bob Burg.   This poignant and easy-to-read business fable makes a very similar point.  We should spend more time trying to help others, and in return, we will find greater success and happiness for ourselves.  Our giving – and the goodness that comes with it – always seems to come back around to us (but that shouldn’t be our motivation.)

I frequently and passionately coach people with a phrase that my mentor, John Maxwell often states: “Add value.”  I’m a firm believer in this.

If you spend your time focusing on how you can add value to others around you, guess what you become?  VALUABLE!

If you are valuable to the people around you, what happens?  People engage you, trust you and are loyal to you!

The funny thing is, I think this all very simply comes back to The Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated.  We all know how we want to be treated.  We all want to be cared for, appreciated, respected and liked.  It’s our human need.  But it’s not always so simple to treat others this way, is it?  It takes work, thoughtfulness and sometimes a lot of patience and understanding.

It’s always worth it, though.  When we give, we always receive so much more than expected.

Try it, won’t you?  For the rest of this week, could you put a visual reminder in front of you to be a “Go-Giver?”  Can you think of ways to serve others’ needs before your own?

See what happens. Could it be that more success and joy find their way to you?  Would it be worth the try?

I hope so. I think it could help you #BecomeYourBest!

Purpose & Joy – The Ideal Cause and Effect

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My son is really into science.  He’s taking an after-school program to learn and discover more too.  In several recent experiments, he’s learned about cause and effect.  When you do one thing, it causes another.  When you change what you do, it has a different effect.

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I find comfort knowing that some behaviors in life tend to cause an expected outcome.  If you’re curious and open-minded, you’ll probably learn something.  If you extend kindness to others, you often find it returning back to you.  If you consistently work hard, you likely will see some results.

If you remain focused on your purpose, you will find more joy in your life.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

Are you still discovering what your purpose is?  Have you discovered your strengths?  They are God’s equipping for you to accomplish your purpose.  You have the tools you need -  you simply have to take and use them.

A “strength” is something you’re really good at doing (we’re talking great results!) AND it energizes you at the same time.  Both components are necessary for it to be considered a “strength,” according to research from the Gallup organization and their StrengthsFinder assessment.  (I highly recommend purchasing the book and taking the online assessment.)  The output will include a report of your top 5 Strength Themes.  Be aware that these are broad categories and still require you to dig deeper for greater clarity.

Do you already know what your purpose is?  If so, are you staying true and committed to it, or are you allowing other things to distract you?

I know I can get distracted!!  Things can cloud my vision.  Glamorous offers for other kinds of work, financial incentives, or not wanting to be excluded from the “fun” things other people are doing.  All of these things (and more) can keep me from remaining purposeful with my time.  It requires great discipline.  And faith.  And support.

I recommend getting clear on your purpose and then communicating it to people close to you.  Ask them to help hold you accountable.

Talk with God regularly.  Ask for His guidance, direction and strength to move forward – consistently, effectively and efficiently.  Remember that He created you for this purpose, and he equipped you perfectly to be wildly successful accomplishing it.  You just need to trust Him, submit to Him and then give Him your best.

And in return?   He gives us the joy that can only come from following His will for our lives.  It’s a blissful, beautiful joy.  Miraculously peaceful and exuberant at the same time.

God wants us to enjoy life and the work He set out for us to do.

So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. (Ecclesiastes 2:24)

Are you doing what you’ve been called to do?  What’s standing in the way?  How can you use what God gave you to #BecomeYourBest?

Wanting The Best For Our Kids

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Studies are being released showing the negative impact of Pinterest on women’s self esteem.  It makes them think everyone posting there is the perfect wife, mother, homemaker, hardbody, chef and innovator.  It simply isn’t true, but it opens the door to comparison and the ever-destructive question, “am I good enough?”

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Even more research has been conducted on the impact of Facebook on adolescent girls.  It, too, can be a killer to their self-esteem, because all their friends post about all the great things that are happening in their lives; the great parties they were invited to (wait, why wasn’t I invited?), the cool people they hang out with – physically and virtually, and how much they’re adored (wow, look how many “friends” they have.)

The pressure is great…and it seems to be everywhere, doesn’t it?

I think about all of this as a mother. I have two young children, and I want them to grow up having both confidence and an accurate sense of reality. I want them to know that things aren’t always as they appear… especially online.

It’s hard to sift through everything, though, isn’t it?

Even as a parent, I watch what all the other parents are posting. Their kids are talented, charitable, athletic, well-dressed, award-winning, gorgeous, doe-eyed, genius-but-not-nerdy, totally popular kids….everything their parents would want them to be.

I could read their posts and compare.  I could read them and be jealous.  Or…I could read them and be happy they’re achieving success as they define it for their kids.

You see, I’ve thought a lot about this question: Do I even want my kids to BE the best _________ (fill in the blank)?

I’ve also thought about this one: Do I want my kids to HAVE the best?

After much thought, here’s what I’ve decided I want for my kids.  Here’s how I’ll encourage and hopefully inspire them….

Kids, I want you to BE the BEST….YOU.  Be proud of yourself, even if you’re different, because you were created with intent and a unique purpose that requires you to be like no other.  Be confident, but not arrogant, and be the best encourager of others, so they can find their purpose too.  Be okay with failure, because that’s where you’ll learn some of life’s greatest lessons.  Be kind, compassionate and forgiving, because nobody gains anything from being the opposite of these.  Be faithful, believing in something much bigger than yourself, because the world is not about you, and the second you think it is, the world will teach you a lesson.  Be motivated and courageous, because life is not easy and requires hard and sometimes scary work, but it will be worth it.  Be thankful, because thankfulness creates joy and contentment, and life is intended to be enjoyed.  Be an honest and loyal friend, who speaks the truth with love and stands firmly through the best and worst of times.  Be what God intended you to be: the best YOU there is.

And do I want you to HAVE the best?

I sure do.  I want you to work your hardest at everything I just said.  Never, ever stop trying to be the best you…and you will EARN the best that life has to offer.

I’m cheering for you, kids, and I’ll do what I can to help you succeed.  And, I might even be so excited for you that I post it on Facebook, because I’m proud to be your mom.  Not because of me or anything I want in life, but because I get the privilege of helping you become what you were created to be.  It’s hard work, but it’s an honor, and perhaps the most important work I’ll ever do.  So, you’ll just have to forgive me if I celebrate you, as only a parent can do, with each step you take toward your own purpose.  And, I hope that other parents won’t feel badly, because their child has a different path to walk.

What would you say to your kids?  I’d love to hear your comments…